Thursday, September 18, 2014

Let's make fun of GameFAQs top 10 lists again!

Because really, are they good for anything else?

Anyway, exhibit 2744. Sure, it starts out innocently enough with Baby Park (which is a damn good track, definitely more than meets the eye), but the start of #9's entry is one of the dumbest things ever. "I don't really like Neo Bowser City." Since this was clearly written after MK8 came out, the author had 136 tracks to choose from. And he doesn't really like number 9 out of 136. Um, why are you playing Mario Kart again if the maximum number of tracks you like is eight out of 136? It's especially weird considering he'd never put it in a top 8, DESPITE BEING NINTH. So this guy clearly loves the fuck out of exactly eight tracks in the series, and can pick a favorite out of all the other ones. Despite "not really liking it", mind you.

And what about #7? Rainbow Road from FUCKING SUPER CIRCUIT? Super Circuit as a whole is an absolute disgrace to the rest of the series, and Rainbow Road is no exception. Hell, he spends a good portion of his paragraph blasting the hell out of it. And at the end, he still has the gall to invoke nostalgia. Of course. NOSTALGIA MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER. Except it never ever really does. I guess he also had to uphold that "at least one from each game" honor code bullshit you typically see in top tens. Why do top list writers do that? Top ten means top ten, not "top ten except for anything that doesn't fit some stupid arbitrary rule".

Later, he says "Nintendo apparently dreads the idea of putting GBA and SNES Retro tracks into their Mario Kart games". Well of course, these are the two worst ones by a country mile, so having many of their subpar tracks clog up the roster of retro tracks is a BAD IDEA. Of course they tried adding some extra twists to make up for it, such as an anti-gravity part in GBA Mario Circuit and Monty Moles and slippery ground in Donut Plains 3, but I can definitely do with less SNES and Super Circuit and more of everything else.

And of course, N64 Rainbow Road at #2. Do I need to say anything? No, because I already did. So you mean to tell me this boring ride of absolute nothingness is better than 134 tracks out of 136? BULLSHIT. Also nostalgia. Which is the same thing, really.

At least I can't really argue against Mount Wario being a good track. Sure, I'm horrible at it, but it's my own fault, not the game's. Is it my favorite? No, not at all. But at least there's a legitimate reason why it would be someone's favorite, as opposed to fucking N64 Rainbow Road which everyone has a diamond-hard boner for.

9 comments:

  1. I would say "Oh my fucking god, opinions! That's so cool!" But opinions don't count if they contradict each other. While opinions are fine, it's not fine to say "I love magma, but I hate lava." or "I don't like Pikachu, but I like Pachirisu!". In fact, It's never warranted to like a Pikachu clone, but hey, opinions.

    ...Or something like that.

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    1. Opinions are fine and all, but you need to be able to explain them in a somewhat rational way, at least. And not contradict yourself over and over.

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  2. I only go back to Super Circuit because of nostalgia (it was one of my first video games ever). I will freely admit that it is NOWHERE near as good as I remember. Back when I could play the Ambassador games, that fact hit me hard. Still love Double Dash, though...

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    1. Oh yeah, Double Dash was the shit back then (although it got the RSE treatment and was considered somewhat of a black sheep back then), and I'd say it's the oldest Mario Kart game that still holds up well today.

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    2. Yeah, I agree. And since I didn't lose Double Dash repeatedly as a kid, I didn't have memories idealizing it like 64 and Super Circuit. I'll admit that they (mainly 64) have aged. Granted, even Double Dash is hard to go back to with all the changes to the physics...

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  3. Can this even be considered a top ten list? Seems more like "my opinion on ten randomly picked Mario Kart courses in no particular order"

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  4. Game FAQs is the best comedy ever. Seriously, I hate N64 Rainbow Ride as much as you do, then again, nostalgia bias blocks the fact that the track is as dull as fuck and the music is stock (I'm very critical on VGM).

    Here's something that'll amuse you, I was reading a Pokemon Red guide which actually recommended the team you used at the end of your let's play (Venusaur/Alakazam/Gengar/Articuno/Zapdos/Moltres). Checked the same guy's X and Y walkthrough, he recommended Raichu of all things. He also recommended Sableye in Emerald.

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    1. He read the Prima guides, didn't he...?

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  5. Got £20 on me saying he did. From what I've heard, even Chugga hates the idea of using Sableye in-game.

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